


for real this time

by rainbowrabblerouser



Series: post-canon IT fics [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Author Projecting onto Richie Tozier, Dead Eddie Kaspbrak, Eddie Kaspbrak & Stanley Uris Are Dead, Fix-It of Sorts, Gay Richie Tozier, Introspection, M/M, POV Richie Tozier, Post-Canon, Richie Tozier Has ADHD, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Soft Richie Tozier, also he dunks on bill and audra a lot, richie learns to live
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 07:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23467300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowrabblerouser/pseuds/rainbowrabblerouser
Summary: Richie doesn't ever really move on without Eddie, but he learns how to live for him.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, The Losers Club & Richie Tozier
Series: post-canon IT fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1703728
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	for real this time

**Author's Note:**

> I based a lot of this off of myself and Patton Oswalt's grieving process in his special "Annihilation" 
> 
> It's delightful and really well-done - it's on Netflix - I know Richie would have one just like it.
> 
> "EARFQUAKE" - Tyler the Creator
> 
> I listened to a lot of Hall & Oates while writing this one...

Richie Tozier has too many issues.

First, he has ADHD, which he considered more of an upgrade from a neurotypical brain that focused on things normally and could handle lectures and class and board meetings and he was boring himself already–

Thirdly, he knew the second and third went together nicely. 

The problem was that when he gets a call to return to Derry (who called anymore? Tweet @ him like a man) and everything came rushing back, he remembered one thing clear as day.

He’s fucking gay.

Also, he really had it bad for Eddie Kaspbrak.

Now, don’t get him wrong. 

Bill and the other boys were nice and fine and dandy, but none of them just...got him like Eddie did.

Even when he saw how hot Ben had gotten, it was just lust.

Beverly was a lucky girl, but even she didn’t understand the intricacies of being in love with your childhood crush who you had pined for endlessly and even cried about at night when everyone else at the sleepover was dozed off and you were the only one left and you just begged that he somehow, some way felt the same. 

Despite everything, he was still into him.

And it fucking sucked.

Richie was a man entirely of words and jokes and shitposts and wisecracks.

But Eddie was the only fella to have him at a loss for words.

He loved him all the same.

There was something just so alluring about a guy who could knock his lights out and also top him in verbal discourse.

It reminded him of Beatrice and Benedick in _Much Ado About Nothing,_ the only story he had paid any attention to in his four (4) years as an English major.

He was using his knowledge for perfectly good reason.

Love was a difficult thing for him.

No one else.

He hadn’t loved anyone else.

Richie would think about his childhood and it was a blur before. Now it was just a compilation of bruh moments of him not realizing he’s gay.

Probably narrated by some coked-out old white guy who hit the best-seller list on name recognition alone. 

Eddie was hot. And tough. And short. And perfectly imperfect.

He had winced when he saw the wedding ring. Richie would give anything to take it off and chuck it into the river where that twink got merked all those years ago himself. Richie felt for Adrian Mellon. He heard he was hot.

But not as hot as his Eddie.

It was an asshole move, but he was fully ready to arrange a hit on Eddie’s wife or fully engage in adultery. Beverly had slapped him upside the head.

What? She wasn’t the one who was competing for dick against some lady.

Beverly was lucky Ben wasn’t snatched up sooner. Then again, Richie did call him a “simp” in his latest Netflix special and it even got Bill to laugh, so if anything, he was winning. 

Serves him right for making out with Beverly while he sobbed his eyes out like the sad gay middle-aged man he was in their hometown river while he washed out the blood of his only love of his life off of his glasses like some savage _Lord of the Flies_ shit. 

He hadn’t read that one either. Richie picked up a copy of it and annotated the living FUCK out of it when he found out it was classic gay literature.

Richie made sure he would leave it on Eddie’s grave.

Of course, he had a memorial for him near his house in LA. 

No way was he leaving him in Derry.

After he beat the shit out of Bill for trying to get him to leave him in the sewers, Richie had Eddie’s clothes burned and scattered. 

Then, he put Eddie’s grave in a nice spot. He had sure there was a glass sculpture that reflected onto it just right to project an iridescent display over.

He told the story of how he was once having a rousing conversation with the grave when a family of tourists were arguing in the spot over. The audience thought it was hysterical. 

Richie used his grief for good since it was what his Eddie would have wanted. At least, that’s what he thought.

He’d order pizza and eat ice cream next to the grave and just test out his material with Eddie. It was kind of sad to see, but it was a regular Tuesday to him. Afterwards, he’d pour them drinks and he’d sing a song.

He had taken up guitar. His favorite song was one that made him think about Eddie – “EARFQUAKE” by Tyler the Creator.

Richie had the pleasure of meeting the artist and he had spit on his shoes. Something about him being “white gay America” – what an honor.

When he came out, the comedy scene got real interesting. He had received more invites to parties and he made more jokes about Bill and Audra.

His favorite bit was one he had gotten Eddie to hear before it all went down.

It was about the psychological implications of how similar Beverly and Audra looked. He would comment about how Audra was a dollar store Bryce Dallas Howard and Eddie would cackle.

Richie missed Eddie’s laugh the most.

It was always music to his ears. To make dear Eddie laugh was a triumph in his books and it proved to himself that he was actually funny.

He was the group’s bard after all.

If only he could have just seduced the monster and they’d be on their way and safe. But no, the love of his life and his best friend were both dead.

Stan is buried in the yard over. He was a literal hop, skip, and a boat ride away. Richie had insisted on giving him a special, isolated space. He knew Stan would have hated the noise. And the germs. And sharing.

His best friend was a bitch, but he was their bitch.

Richie had a special set for Stan. Most of them were jokes about sharing the raised-Jewish and also Catholic experience. Some were ginger jeers. 

He knew that just getting Stan to crack a smile was a win. Richie only hoped he was doing something good when he put flowers on Stan’s tomb. He had sprayed the area with spider killer spray. Of course, he was doing that.

The people who worked there would nod at him and get his autograph, but he still felt hollow inside without anyone to call.

Don’t get him wrong, the other Losers were fun, but they weren’t Stan and Eddie. They were busy and kind of boring and...well–

Functioning adults.

Richie still felt like he was 15 years old.

He never really grew up when Eddie and him parted.

It was like he needed him in order to grow.

He supposed he would stay stunted for the rest of his life, then.

At least he had gotten some good memories in.

Like when he had his first kiss.

It was a summer day and Eddie was panicky as ever– rambling on and on about how they could die virgins without ever having kissed someone.

Richie had asked him softly and then kissed him with so much passion and yearning. Eddie had pushed him into the hammock and they were like that for hours and hours.

There.

He could check that off the bucket list.

It became a routine for them whenever the others turned away.

Soon it was a game to see if they could get caught.

Of course, Stan was the only one to notice.

Then, Eddie panicked again when they were eighteen and Richie came to the rescue with a sleepover that ended with them both throwing out their V cards. Fun. That was that.

Richie would have been a killer lawyer had he not done comedy because damn was he good at settling things.

Eddie would just go along with whatever scheme he had and they would be good. They were unofficially the cutest couple. 

The Losers had rigged it so that they won the superlative in high school, but they skipped the show and forfeited in favor of fooling around again in Richie’s bed. It was perfect until it had to end. 

They had to end their arrangement or friends-with-benefits thing they had.

Richie would always hold a candle for him.

Even after all this time.

So when Eddie would feel stressed, he’d still think about his days in Derry and the blurry memories with the face of a goofy boy. 

A little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed.

He remembered it all too well.

Richie wished it had gone down differently.

They would have been childhood sweethearts who would have a grand wedding and a sweet honeymoon. They would have gone on cruises, maybe adopt a few pets, perhaps one child. They could have been something.

Eddie would let him wear his oversized hoodies and kiss him sweetly as they drifted off to sleep. He’d heckle him during his sets and he’d kiss him to shut him up. He would demand immense amounts of medical supplies on their wedding registry.

Eddie would be Eddie. 

He would be his. 

No matter what.

Richie thinks about what it would have been like had Eddie survived with him during the quarantine. He just knew he’d bitch about social distancing and only kiss him every few days.

He daydreams about him all the time.

After he left him, Richie wore his wedding ring. 

It was a simple one, but he loved it.

He would never take it off.

The Losers never took notice. Well, Mike did.

Mike was his buddy. He was cool and chill. The only real smart one.

Any time Mike visited, he let him see Stan and Eddie alone.

Then, they’d get brunch and get wasted on girly drinks. He’d bust out the aged Zimas and they’d design an airplane together and terrorize a karaoke bar. It was just good fun.

They were still like a bunch of silly teenagers who couldn’t catch a break.

Richie saw right through Mike. He could tell he loved Bill, but he insisted that he was too good for Billiam…

“He’s a moron,” Richie drawled over a glass.

“Yeah.”

He’d take him to celebrity parties to take his mind off of it. 

Richie would introduce him as the guy from the Old Spice commercials and the men would be all over him. Mike would just laugh at him.

He was doing something good in his life, he guessed.

By the time he gets Bill and Audra to visit, Audra has turned tail and filed for divorce. She did not like Richie at all. Even before the joke.

He always preferred Bryce Dallas Howard.

Bill and him are actually nearly neighbors.

Richie was the comedy king of LA, while Bill had a neat house there.

Audra just couldn’t stand him and hated his guts.

Beverly and Ben show up for his premieres and act all lovey dovey.

Richie pretends to be sick, though he is envious of the fact they had someone. Meanwhile, he was the spinster with millions, but no one to share them with – this was ass.

  
He thought it was frankly homophobic that everyone had a happy ending after the clown fight. 

Why did he just have death and an empty soul?

Filled with regret and endless gay melancholy?

They told him he was dramatic and rich. He told them he was lonely.

That got them to shut the fuck up.

Eddie would be proud. He supposed so would Stan.

Without them, he felt incomplete. 

It was just sad to arrive at his big glass house and all he had was his cat and dog and siamese fighting fish in separate tanks because they would merk each other if they were together. 

In his tell-all, he had compared them to him and his Eddie when they were younger and foolish. He thought it was a stupid line.

_The New York Times_ called it _“tasteful and heart-wrenching.”_

It was pretentious is what it was. 

Then again, he had never been one for simplicity.

Nor brevity. Nor class. Nor anything that meant some damn peace and quiet.

Richie was a man of words and he was missing his man of action, his lover. 

He was a lost loser without a clue. 

Still in over his head. 

Eddie would just think he was a silly boy. Still pining after him after everything.

But how could he move on?

Richie had known Eddie was the only one for him immediately.

Even when they were kids. It was a universal law of the universe.

Guys like Richie need guys like Eddie. Someone to round him out.

A lover who would be able to defend him and render him so soft.

Alas, Richie was a lonely little bard while his friends all got together like he was some measly fifth wheel with a squeaky tone.

Beverly would roast his metaphors on Twitter when he got too sad.

She should have been the comic.

Richie would just think about it all. He would sometimes have nightmares and long to have his Eddie back. He wished he could hold him again and have someone to just soothe him.

A kiss was just what he missed.

Eddie always kissed him roughly and made him moan and get his release.

Now all of that was gone.

Richie was a lonely boy who never grew up and never really got over his childhood crush. It was pitiful, yes, but he could not bend the facts.

He may as well profit off of it.  
  


So he wrote and joked about all of the weird shit he had experienced in Derry and he just would imitate his friends exactly as he saw them. The crowds went wild at his Pennywise impression and thought his Beverly was spot-on.

His excuse was that Pennywise was some shared hallucination from a bad trip.

Ben appreciated the New Kids on the Block references and the compliments about his “glo-up” – Bill would just scoff at the stuttering and the Professor X memes.

He would be the bard, but goddamn it, he would do the best job.

His despair was mad apparent throughout his works and he would just brush it off in interviews. Fame would never heal childhood trauma and recently re-torn wounds.

Richie even got his therapist to chuckle. 

He was doing something called “projecting” apparently.

His ADHD was just eating him alive as he got bored and bounced from project to project.

Richie, ever persistent, would just try to live every day to the fullest because Eddie didn’t have the chance. 

He missed him dearly.

Without a purpose, Richie would lose his shit. 

So he just wrote and joked and met up with his friends. 

He had hoped somewhere out there Eddie was thinking he was doing all right. Richie lived for just that idea.

_He was a man of action and a lover of life._

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @rainbowrabblerouser
> 
> I wrote this because I always felt for Richie.
> 
> Also, I'm doing a sellout rewrite of my own version of the series and needed to get into my Richie equivalent character's head. This was nice practice.
> 
> Sorry, Eddie...


End file.
